Nobody really knows about my blog nowadays. I don't expect them to, 'coz I don't have much friends in the first place. I just do it for "fun", since I can just pen down my thoughts and rant about the things I want to.
Pretty safe since I'm not really that famous anyways, am I right? Besides, I'm just doing this to get this load of feels off my chest. I just personally believe that I don't feel better with voicing my opinions to a close friend. Maybe 'coz at some point I'm pretty shy.
Deleted my old posts, 'coz none of them mattered. It was just about my unrequited love in HS anyways. Nothing big, to be honest. That person made me believe in false hope, but he apologized after 2 years because karma probably bit him in the ass. Kinda delayed but anything works I suppose.
So... Time to voice out my rants. Excuse me for being dramatic.
I feel like I've lost myself after several depressing events. Well, it started around April I suppose? Or May? I don't remember anymore. It was the most depressing summer that I've had - the kind where I feel so completely broken after he broke up with me. Of course, I don't expect him to understand the emotional turmoil I went through. I wouldn't exactly put myself into a VIP spot of having "Worst Love Life" or something silly as that. To tell the truth, when he broke up with me, it actually hurt the most out of my previous relationships. Is it usually like that? Does the pain gets worse as time passes by? Maybe it's because I envisioned a nice ending with him.
But he came back, and I'm really happy, but so scared at the same time. Trust issues perhaps? I don't know why I'm so scared of being left by him. I don't know why I still chase him despite the fact that most people would always say that "if a guy truly loves you, he'll chase you". Liberation as the generations change, maybe. Or maybe I'm being misled.
A best friend told me to be prepared, but what if I go back into that dark tunnel of depression again if he ever leaves? Judging from the fact of how I was a wreck back then, I think I might end up destroying myself. I don't want to, and I'm trying to get my courage back. But the fact that it was so dangerously dark and sad scares me so much.
And I'm still fighting it until now. Slowly getting better, but sometimes I end up having breakdowns. I don't think he knows. I don't want him to know to be honest. He'll just say I'm being pessimistic, but he might be unaware that I'm trying, but sometimes I just need a boost - even if it's a tiny bit, especially from him, it would help me a lot.
For now, maybe all I can do is to just pray, and hope for the best in the near future (hopefully with him by my side).
